osakarob's blog

I am not sure if we are talking about reputation here but the importance of setting ground rules with your opponent first so the meeting would be mutually benefical.
Reputation for me comes not just our abilities as a fighter but our character how we are perceived by others so it's the recommendation s we write and receive and by word of mouth and this also comes from our understanding of preferences we all have them so if I guy says no then he shouldn't gain a bad reputation for that just an ok wish him or her luck and move on.

I'll agree with MerseyWrestle that this can be divided–I put this into three buckets:

Truth in advertising:

Was the guy who he said he was? Did he show up? Was there some drama or excuse or whatever that cancelled the meeting or made it really inconvenient? Did he give you the match you expected?

Meeting of the minds:

Did you have a common understanding of the match you were getting? ( I banished a few terms like "NHB", which is too ambiguous the way they use it here, and "I want you to go all out" because thats a really bad idea. )

Did you have a good time ?

Intangible and related to the other two but it deserves its own line. Did you get along? (I wrestled one muscular fit looking man who was WAY too cautious and wouldn't actually wrestle. Was that fun? Nope. )

Pointing out the obvious, but online persona matters. While we frequently discuss the issue of users who lack any matches/recommendations despite years on the site, this isn't my primary concern in this response.
We notice when people only have a single pixelated, badly exposed, low quality image of themselves from 2013 on their profiles. We notice when people can't be bothered to spell properly or use punctuation in whichever language they write in. We notice people spend their time in the chatroom insulting and/or bullying others. We notice the racial/age/etc. micro-aggressions that line the messages when they come into our inbox or chat. We notice when people weaponize their opponent preferences into an exclusionary statements (i.e. don't bother messaging if you are X, Y, Z). And when we do, that becomes the reputation from which we decide who to reply to, let alone have a match with.

We're into combat sports. There's always a degree of risk involved, and I'm not sure everyone understands whether their profile actually depicts themselves as someone who can be trusted to have a place on the mat.

Very well said.

I forgot the "Don't bother messaging if you are X, Y, Z" guys. I don't know if they realize how awful it looks when they say upfront that they don't like entire ethnicities or won't wrestle someone over 40 or whatnot.

Totally agree with you age, ethnicity, religion etc.. shouldnt matter.

Some people still don't realize that their profile is marketing and that others can be easily turned off by a tone that sounds demanding or rude. As Kicksands points out, you are forming an opinion about someone from the first sentence you read.

Preference for younger vs. don't bother contacting me if you're over 30
Looking for locals vs. I'm not traveling half way round the world to meet you
Seeking athletic vs. Know what a squat rack looks like

Reading one of these profiles the only conclusion you can draw is that the poster is a jerk.

I met a guy and we had many discussions about ground rules. I said the one thing that I did not like was to have my face covered. I just freak out if my nose and mouth are covered. He said OK. Well. you can see how this is going to end...........We were on the bed wrestling and he took a pillow and put it over my face....just for about 5 seconds. but that was enough for me. I got up. Got dressed. Gave him the money for the room and left. He said...hey, I was just kidding.
Did not matter to me. I never marked him as a past opponent and have not seen him since.

You're going to flag him for abuse, right? That sounds like the kind of person nobody should be wrestling if he can't be bothered to respect ground rules.

He was on the other wrestling site; that I am no longer a member of. He was here a while and has disappeared. If he shows up here again, I will flag him. Good idea.

I guess I am either lucky or hard-up for action, as I have never had an opponent I would not take on again. Sure, a few might have some odors – if they right after a stress-filled day at work; but such is life – never had any who reeked. A few have been rather curt, some paranoid (first timers), one literally shaking when he arrived, as it was his first "sneak out on the wife" in his life. But this life! Get real and accept it

I even had some from [let's say "other sites, maybe not"] who, as sometimes happens with a small number of first-time guys in any fight sport, felt they had to show off by going gung ho rough vs their instructor, with even some of the crap they see on TV cage action, and in thriller-killer movies – hard dangerous aggressive stuff. They were not threats – They were opportunities; and they are welcome to come back. It's life; and they learned right quick such behavior is dangerously foolish (for them) and how fragile we humans are. 999 in 1,000 they will play safe from now on.

So, I repeat, all my past opponents are welcome for encores. Get it? Every one!. Loosen up guys! It's life! If the guy stinks that bad, offer him the shower. If his nails are that bad, offer him the clippers or even the wirecutters to trim them. Next time, bet you, he'd show up clean and trimmed.

I wrestled this kid years ago. It was in July. I had been out side all day. Was very sweaty. When I got to his place I was going to shower. He said he liked it. After the match he wrote me and said I smelled bad. It amused me.

Everyone has a distinct natural (clean body smell) scent–ask any dog. YOu cannot mask it with all the colognes, perfumes, soaps in the world. Everyone also has unique set of receptors in the nose and interpretation of smells in the brain. To some people, vanilla ice cream might smell worse than s**t to others. To this one individual, you, thru no fault of your own, could have a horrible scent. To most people, you might have a scent sweeter than strawberry ice cream. Hence, one will never know what was running thru that guy's mind

That’s true but if I’m with someone and I don’t like the way they smell I would ask them to shower. Especially if they already were going to and I asked them not too

showering, scrubbing down with strong soap, cannot mask a basic scent. If dogs could talk, they would tell you that. That basic scent has nothing to do with showering, scrubbing. It is there. All those smells we can wash off or cover up, .

LuckyLarryLoser, your story is EXACTLY the kind of stuff I was thinking about when I wrote the blog. I'm sure that if we were to interview the guy who ignored your face smothering rule that he would be so utterly unaware of the impact of his actions and would be even less inclined to admit his wrong doing and atone for it.

But I will assure you that those kinds of behaviors have a way of "sticking" with a person.

I notice that you are in Delaware and I presume that the Eastern seaboard is your primary community. Whomever that guy is who did that to you probably can't imagine how word will get around about how he blatantly ignored the preferences and rules that you established. He'll then whinge and complain that he can't get matches and can't understand why people ignore his requests or won't respond to his match offers.

I doubt it will matter really. Some yes but not really and not long term sadly.

I think the biggest thing regarding reputation is sportsmanship. Wrestling, no doubt, is a combative sport, but there's still a high level of respect and having fun that comes with it. If your reputation is that you are just out to dominate and not have fun, then it's not going to be a good match, in my opinion. You can't take everything in life seriously, so have a good laugh you get put into a crazy hold you can't get out of....shake your opponents hand...and just be a good sport about it all.

For some being dominated is the fun of it.

I agree with all, but there are many things that need to be talked before and made them very clear so both guys enjoy the match and do not get disappointed.

Scully's point is well made and it echoes what Kicksands said about how one's online actions - including the words we use to describe ourselves and others - potentially impact the reputations that we build for ourselves. (However, unlike Kicksands, I'm not fond of the term "microagressions" used to describe people with strong overt preferences. But that's a point for another blog perhaps.....)

I couldn't agree more with Sully's point that many guys here forget that their profiles are marketing and that they are marketing themselves. And the intent of this blog post was, indeed, to suggest that all of our interactions with a prospective opponent build up our overall reputation in the eyes of others.

I'll admit that when I see a poorly written profile, or worse yet one without any substantial details, I'm not willing to take a risk of investing too much time to meet. However, the true litmus test for me is the in person interaction. As Redland guy smartly stated: "Was there truth in advertising? Did we have a meeting of the minds? and....Did we have fun?"

This entire thread has been so enlightening to me and it has forced me to try to rethink and remember my own behaviors during 20 years of wrestling.

When I was in my 20s, I can certainly say that I didn't have the insight that certain smells and hygiene were as important as they are. I was a smoker back then and can't imagine how guys felt coming over to my place. Ugh.....the whole thought of that makes me feel embarrassed. I kept my gear freshly laundered, but my hair and skin probably smelled of smoke. Very gross. I've written about the exciting and positive aspects of those years here: https://www.meetfighters.com/osakarob.blog/2017-04-23

I also probably didn't have as much of an understanding for physical safety. Once a guy picked me up and dropped me in a way that gave me a sprained ankle for several weeks after. I was really angry at him for along time after and refused to meet again. The injury itself was bad enough, but his lack of empathy or any tinge of regret was what destroyed his reputation in my eyes.

That experience was what helped me learn to "turn it up and turn it down" and always be vigilant of not doing harm.

StormWrestle made a helpful comment: "I think the biggest thing regarding reputation is sportsmanship. Wrestling, no doubt, is a combative sport, but there's still a high level of respect and having fun that comes with it. If your reputation is that you are just out to dominate and not have fun, then it's not going to be a good match, in my opinion."

That is so true! As a younger man, the thrill was in the dominating. But now I realize the true thrill in a match for me is to be with someone who can give-and-take.

Two guys who want to see who can outwrestle whom can be compatible with doing the fun match thing, or simply trading holds and tactics. Roll a bit to warm up; then take 15 minutes or so to go at it seriously; and spend an hour or more doing the lighter, more friendly stuff–such as teaching each other how to avoid mistakes or counter each others' moves during the competitive part of the encounter.

Even during a more competitive phase, if it's apparent to me there's a mismatch of strength/skills, I lighten up to even it out a bit, even give him openings to try to exploit, but not enough to lose – i.e., even if he exploits it, I am ready with a counter, without having told him the counter to the counter until later .

If my mat mate is failing at attempts to apply a hold, or attempting moves inconsistent with basic laws of physics, I'll say "Let's pause for a few seconds, so I can show you something. If there's something patently unsafe, I STOP it STAT to apprise him of the problem, then resume. In either case, I try to say let's start over, or do the light and fun stuff, then conclude with a second match to see if he absorbed whatever I showed him.

I enjoy more helping a guy (especially a newbie) become better passing on what little I know, more so than kicking a guys butt, not helping him out, and saying "Hasta la vista, baby," as a few guys I have run into prefer to do. Had one guy who actually said "I won't show you anything because you might use it against me, or pass it on to someone else I might wrestle later on." :( That really floored me; and I am glad he eventually left the site. As for me, I want to uphold, maintain, my squeaky clean reputation here.

One important factor for me is to have had a few good conversations about our expectations and to be as honest as possible, that way there're no real surprises and both guys can go in knowing how things are to go before, during and after the fight.

Muscle Marty,
I wonder if you would be willing to expand a little about how you have those conversations. Do you try to talk beforehand to the opponent on the phone? Skype? In the chat room? Or do you just make sure to have a chat before locking up?

usually its just thru the chat room here, that can be 2 or three times or more before the actual meet up happens. When that doesn't happen for me i am sure and thats not a good feeling when a guy can actually hurt you in a fight, whether it is an accident or not

Very good thread and many good points.
I should tell you guys the story of the man I bear hugged..... I’m certainly not good at that....but that’s what he wanted....so I bear hugged him and he said: Mommy. Mommy. Look what Larry’s doing to me.
I swear that’s what he said.
After one more bear hug and a repeat of the Mommy comment. I decided that was enough for me.
We were both 63 at the time.
I was done. I left. I’m not a therapist.

I totally agree with your assessment of recommendations.. It's important to know exactly what you are getting into... what your opponent thinks is most important, and respect it if you are gonna meet for a match.... and rules ARE rules... follow them... It leads to a match that will make it a great experience for BOTH... and isn't that the point?
;)
Gripper Bill

On the ageism topic, speaking from personal experience as a young person who uses this site...honestly, you guys are your own worst enemy.

I've lost count the amount of times someone has gotten angry and responded negatively after being told "no" or that I'm just not interested in having a match with them.

I'm not exaggerating, ALL the negative interactions I've had on this site have been with older guys who got angry that I wasn't attracted to them, or didn't want to meet up with them. To the point where I completely abandoned the site altogether at one point because of how often it was happening

When that's the reaction I've gotten used to getting, is it really that much wonder if I just stop responding to these messages after a while?

You reap what you sow