I'm more dog than human. If I had my way, everyone would be naked and sniffing random butts on the street–dozens an hour even!–without any legal consequence.

Like a pooch, I'm terrible at hiding my emotions so when I'm feeling angry/sad/disgust/happy or horny, you'll know it. No need to second guess me or try to read my mind. (How exhausting is that?)

I'm one of those dogs that barks AND bites, especially when he's humping so if you're one of those high maintenance bitches who comes with a list of demands, requires pampering and a pink ribbon in your hair after a shampoo, be prepared to be marked that could lead to scars or move along to the next asshole available for sniffing.

One final thing. I love being given treats when I do a great job. Usually a food prize of some sort. No true dog refuses a snack!

One final final note. I'm NOT into k9!